Monday, August 31, 2015

People Suck


I hate people. Actually, I love to hate people. It’s a pastime, really, as traditional and wholesome as apple pie and baseball. 

People, you see, are the level worst. There’s nothing worse than people. You might say bear attacks or shark attacks or asteroids headed towards Paris, but I’m going to stick with humans. Humans are just unkind. There’s nothing else to it. Humans are malicious. We are so malicious, in fact, that we project our own maliciousness onto non-sentient creatures and inanimate objects. We are hateful pieces of consciousness and we seem to actually delight in putting other humans down. 

None of this is to even allude to the actual horrors that humans enact every single day in places that we prefer not to think about. No, I’m not even going to mention genocide or torture or systematic abuse. This post, all this is just because of your garden-variety, everyday unkindness. Making fun of people who are different. Withholding forgiveness. Preying on other people’s insecurities. Manipulating others in a difficult position. Disrespecting other people’s religious practices. Pretending that wealth and disposable income makes you more than what you are. Changing lanes without using a turn signal. It’s not hard to list off the ways we make each other miserable on a quotidian scale. 

To put it colloquially, you jerks make life miserable. Humans are a metric ton of uselessness and feces, filled to the brim with a spirit of cowardice, a collection of good-for-nothing sons of salacious women who don’t give a crap about anything but themselves, self-important losers whose only contribution to the universe will be the inevitable day when they self-destruct, leaving nothing but their disintegrating atoms floating in the atmosphere, leaving a thin film of disgustingness that can only be washed away by a century of perpetual torrential rain. Asshats.

I’m not alone in my misanthropy, so I’d like to use my other favorite thing, the internet, to corroborate my point of view.

I don't read no papers, and I don't listen to radios either. I know the world's been shaved by a drunken barber, and I don't have to read it. 
-The Colonel, Meet John Doe

People speak sometimes about the "bestial" cruelty of man, but that is terribly unjust and offensive to beasts, no animal could ever be so cruel as a man, so artfully, so artistically cruel.” 
-Fyodor Dostoyevsky

“What is Man? Man is a noisome bacillus whom Our Heavenly Father created because he was disappointed in the monkey.” 
-Mark Twain

“In the depths of my heart I can’t help being convinced that my dear fellow-men, with a few exceptions, are worthless.” 
-Sigmund Freud, Letters of Sigmund Freud, 1873-1939

[I]f their Citizens should not be completely free and happy, the fault will be entirely their own.” 
-George Washington, Writings

“I'm tired of this back-slappin' "isn't humanity neat" bullshit. We're a virus with shoes.” 
-Bill Hicks

“You call me a misanthrope because I avoid society. You err; I love society. Yet in order not to hate people, I must avoid their company.” 
-Caspar David Friedrich

"To-morrow, and to-morrow, and to-morrow,
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day
To the last syllable of recorded time,
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!
Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage
And then is heard no more: it is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing."
-Macbeth, Macbeth

And of course, the crown jewel of human-hating, this reddit thread: https://www.reddit.com/r/misanthropy/comments/3fpxuy/what_event_going_on_in_the_world_right_now_makes/ 

For more theorizing that humans were the monsters all along, or just some good scares in your day, enjoy this week's Internet Find of the Week, Lore

And for something that makes you feel like maybe everything isn't all that bad, enjoy this, one of my favorite Postmodern Jukebox covers:

Wednesday, August 26, 2015

Edited Stream of Consciousness

Um, I’m moving to another country in, let’s check, sixteen days, as of clicking publish.


And I’ve been casually talking about getting a visa and packing and about the program and how it’s going to be a really great experience, like this is something that people do every day, like it’s some work conference or vacation, like it’s normal. This is not normal. This is not Something That People Do. 

Oh, did you hear that, theoretically, if you fell into a black hole, you could be radiated back out slowly as a mass of incoherent photons

I mean, people move to other countries all the time, and I’d say that it’s not something that people from my hometown do, but a friend of mine from high school actually is living in Scotland, and another just moved to Albania, and my brother went to China for a year. But it just still seems so out of the ordinary. People go to college, people get jobs, people maybe move to a new city, people maybe come back, people buy houses, people have kids, and all of that is the new normal for twenty-somethings. I feel like my life is a little absurd even in that new normal. 

Oh! And! That Ice Bucket Challenge ridiculousness from last summer? The money actually did go to fund research (among other things, and not all of it has been used yet) that identified a protein that fails in most people with ALS and that, if repaired, can allow damaged cells to heal

After what feels like years of waiting, I’m ready to go and I’m excited- I actually had a dream last night about moving in the my new apartment and making friends who disappointingly all had American accents, but I think that’s because my subconscious is self-conscious about our ability to generate appropriate accents. Which, really. Guys. The accents. I’m so pumped. 

And I’ve been taking a dive into content that I’ve garnered from the course descriptions and it’s all been really fascinating. Like, okay, so, if you have a subatomic particle, like a proton, just some tiny thing that quantum mechanics directly applies to, you can’t predict exactly where that thing is going to go like you could with a ball that you throw in the air because, according to the way quantum mechanics is interpreted (the standard Copenhagen Interpretation), the universe is non-deterministic. On the tiniest level, you can’t know what anything is going to do. You can get a statistical probability, but you can’t know. That not-knowing is actually helpful when building a case for free will. You can go here: http://www.iep.utm.edu/freewill/#SH3b for more reading on that. 

Then again, if there are multiverses and mirror universes, then free will is much more of an illusion than we think. You can show this using examples from Darkwing Duck

Art from http://acmelimited.com/news/dangerous-darkwing-duck-silk-screen-sneak-preview/
All this is maybe why I’m doing this program in the first place. 

Ah, man, did you see this, though? It's just fantastic and so on point.


Oh, you knew you could make a hologram with stuff around your house and a smartphone, right? I super want to try that. Crafting for science! 

I guess what I’m really saying is that I’m so ready for the next thing, for my next thing, but life is so weird and that induces occasional internal panics. But I think even my brain is done with all this over-analyzation. Ready to be busy enough for regular analyzation. 

Hey, though, there's this Twitter account that's the Count from Sesame Street that just counts. Like, that's it. And I love it. Thanks, internet. Sometimes, you make it all okay. 

Monday, August 24, 2015

A Late August Playlist

I love music. As they say in Across the Universe, "Music is the only thing that makes sense anymore. Play it loud enough, it keeps the demons at bay." So, while we're all waiting on September to get here, I've got a playlist for all y'all. If the president can do it, so can I.

I've got a YouTube playlist all cued up for you, but let me know if you want it on Spotify and I'll learn a new thing.



After Today- Aaron Lohr (A Goofy Movie Soundtrack) 
The Foothills- Sara Watkins (Midnight Sun) 
Bedouin Dress- Fleet Foxes (Helplessness Blues)
The Perfect Space- The Avett Brothers (I And Love And You) 
Pompeii- Bastille (Bad Blood) 
Stockholm- Jason Isbell (Southeastern)
You Make My Dreams- Hall & Oates (Voices)
Pretty Girl From Raleigh- The Avett Brothers (Live, Volume 2)
Wonderwall- Ryan Adams (Love Is Hell)
Proud Mary- Creedence Clearwater Revival
Don’t Look Back- She & Him (Volume 2)
Effington- Ben Folds (Way to Normal)
Backwards With Time- The Avett Brothers (The Gleam)
Bad Self Portraits- Lake Street Dive (Bad Self Portraits)
Carry On- Fun. (Some Nights)
Blackbird- The Beatles (White Album)
Cathedrals- Jump, Little Children (Magazine)
Classy Girls- The Lumineers (The Lumineers)
Come and Get Your Love- Red Bone (Guardians of the Galaxy soundtrack)
Short Skirt/Long Jacket- Cake (Comfort Eagle)
All the Pretty Girls- Fun. (Aim and Ignite)
Train Song- Feist + Ben Gibbard (Dark Was The Night)
Dearly Departed- Shakey Graves (And The War Came)
The Clearness Is Gone- The Avett Brothers (Magpie and the Dandelion)
Rest of My Life- Nickel Creek (A Dotted Line)
The Parting Glass- The Wailin’ Jennys (40 Days) 
Blue Eyes Crying in The Rain- Willie Nelson

And as a bonus, this week's internet find of the week is this delightful short, with credits music by New Maximum Donkey (Anybody Alive on their Spirit of the Donks album):


Friday, August 21, 2015

Sturdy Dreamers (Excerpt)

Her dreams always began in the city.
She would stand on the edge of the downtown, the skyscrapers mountains in front of her, the streets empty and dark in their shadows. She would smile and the silence around her would turn to a roar of air as she flew into the sky. In the sky, she spiraled over the city, surveying everything with eagle eyes, buildings and streets and pavilions all belonging to her, under her protection. Always, she would pause, hovering over her domain, closing her eyes and reveling in the feeling of the high wind on her face. She would take in a deep breath and then, things would begin.
In this dream, she did not stay long above the buildings in the city. She aimed herself at one, one of the tallest, and found as she flew that her hands and pockets were full of tiny thin seeds. She opened her fists, seeding the ground far below as she went, pulling somersaults in the air to empty her pockets, then sped on to the building. She laughed as her face grew larger and larger in the reflection in the windows.
She pulled up short of the glass, just below the roof, straightening and watching her reflection. She allowed herself to drift down towards the ground, floating past window after window after window, blinking when the thick black bars blocked her view of her own reflection. She watched as the world sunk down behind her until she touched down softly on the concrete. Then she turned, inch by inch, to see what had grown on the ground as she flew.
The narrow street had opened up into a park with the greenest of grass and on that grass stood hundreds, maybe thousands of people, each one with a can of paint. They held still, almost at attention, each one with two hands supporting their can of paint.  She walked through them. No two cans of paint were the same color. After a minute, she turned to the man on her right, the one with a familiarly unfamiliar face, and smiled.
Within seconds, they were all covered with rainbow splotches of paint from the people around them. There was laughter and screaming and yelling and gigantic splashes and she danced through it, clapping her hands in delight as she watched the festivities. She soon saw that the largest of paint attacks come from catapults on a hill. There were committees of people working to set off huge bowls of paint at the end of the catapult’s arms, large primary colors of blue and green and red and yellow. Entire trees were covered with the colors, dripping large gobs of paint down onto the people taking shelter under their branches. Occasionally the wind would pick up and the leaves of the trees would shake, showering down paint onto the revelers, who would stop and look up and laugh, holding their hands out like they were collecting rain.
She walked through as a protected observer, completely untouched by the paint. The people would turn the other way when she walked past, finding a new target on some other lawn to fling color at; distant throwers with good arms would tweak the arc of their paint missile to land just far enough from her that the splatter would miss her entirely; and the people controlling the catapults would always swerve their arms out of her path, even if it meant having their loads collide with one another mid-air. Those were her favorite, the explosions of combined color that covered anyone in the vicinity. She would pause when those happened, watching people duck out of the way or cover their heads with their cans of paint, hoping to ward off most of the blast. She glanced up to catch a blackbird in flight above the paint war, dodging the colors with sleek wings or flying silhouetted against fireworks of liquid color.
She found a hill to watch from, and a tree on top of it, but getting up it took longer than she thought it would. As she climbed, she could hear the noise of the paint war behind her, but now, all that was before her was the hill and the tree and the sky. The sky was grey, as it had been all dream long, like a dawn that never broke. She looked at it as she climbed, thinking that the clouds were now missing, and the birds. She shook her head, thinking and climbing.
When she reached the top of the hill, she turned back around to see the progress of the colors. She had had her eye on the blue catapult, wanting to see if it was able to drown out a particularly thick patch of greens just west of it, but when she turned, the battle stopped. The people again stood in silence, looking at her, waiting.
She looked the dripping paint, at the happy but tired faces, and took this as a sign. She clapped her hands twice, two slow, measured beats. She heard the whoosh of air as the buildings of the city rose up behind her where there had only been sky and the crash of the windows as the clouds escaped from the buildings. She ducked, covering her head with her hands, but the shattered glass turned into raindrops as it fell to the ground. The people raised their hands in silent salute, the rain washing away the battle scars from their skin.
She spun slowly back to the tree on the hill, now her last bastion before returning to the city, and looked up. The leaves had melted in the rain, revealing hundreds of ravens in the tall bare branches. She closed her eyes against the sight, worried that they meant to fly down to the people below and cause harm, ruining the colors mixing into puddles with the rain. She saw the ravens beginning to take flight and gasped when she heard the cheers of the people in the land below just as the light broke out from the still grey sky. Funny that the sky should stay grey when the sun was so bright...

The warehouse was just a block away from the water of the harbor, but it wasn’t a part of the waterfront that Brian had ever been to before. He could smell the bay down here and it wasn’t anything he wanted to smell again. The dull metal walls of the warehouse blocked him from seeing much, but the smoke stacks of the big shipping boats peeked through when we walked past the streets on either side. There was a dim reflection of the dawn on the high steel walls behind him, the ones that had followed him from the light rail station, separating the docks from where the dock workers lived.
            He had paused when he saw the warehouse, nervous for the first time, and he had spent upwards of five minutes staring and shaking his head. Figuring now that he had delayed long enough, Brian straightened his shoulders, shifted his pack, and cleared the distance to the main warehouse door in half a minute. He stood off to the right of the door for maybe ten seconds, took a deep breath, and stepped in front of it.
            When nothing moved, he looked around for a scanner- maybe it was blocked or maybe he was too close to the door to be picked up. He was, after all, basically nose-to-nose with the unwashed ridges of the entrance. But he couldn’t see any electronics anywhere, not even a hole in the metal where a camera could be hidden. He stepped back and folded his arms, raising an eyebrow as he studied the situation. After a second, he leaned forward, noticing an indention in the door itself at stomach height, maybe about three inches tall and an inch wide.
The door opened with a rattle as he was bent over surveying the indention. He jumped back out of the way. A blonde woman a little shorter than him came through the door, collar of her patched coat pulled high. She frowned when she saw him, but held the door open. Brian caught it with a hand and she walked out into the morning. He looked at the door, looked back at the woman, and then stepped inside.
            It was just after dawn, but there were already maybe fifteen people inside. Brian stepped away from the door and found a place behind a man in a trench coat. The line in front of him led up to a dented metal desk, its mint green paint chipped and scratched on all sides. Behind the desk was a small-looking man. He was brushing what was left of his light brown hair across the crown of his head as he listened to an agitated young man standing on the other side of the desk.
“But they’re retro, Mr. Finch! Retro’s been a hit this month!”
“I hear you, Kenneth, but, like I said, I just don’t know if I can take one with the zombies,” the man at the desk said. He settled back on the chair, regarding the tall, thin jar in front of him. Green and white vapor danced around inside it. “People used pay to see movies with this stuff, but I’m just not sure if they would pay to dream it. That brings the zombies to their heads, see, instead of safely on the screen where they belong. It makes ‘em real. No one thinks up zombies anymore. No one wants to. They just pull the props out from the back.”
The man on the other side of the desk stepped closer and leaned his palms on the desk. “Please, Mr. Finch, you gotta take this one,” Kenneth said, lowering his voice. “Sally... well, Sally’s not been doing well and this dream’s all I’ve got.”
Brain took in Kenneth’s appearance. All he had on for a coat was a worn plaid flannel shirt, torn at the bottom and leaking strings out the sleeves. His shoes were just as ratty, with small holes on the outsides where his pinky toe had worn down the canvas and torn it away from the sole. His eyes were red-rimmed and had these dark marks under them that Brian had never seen before, like bruises, almost. He had a cut on his arm, dark dried blood making a thin streak nearly from elbow to wrist. Brian shivered, but couldn’t look away, fascinated by it.  
Mr. Finch muttered something across the desk, shook his head, and pulled out an envelope from a drawer. Kenneth leapt back and punched the air. “Thank you, Mr. Finch, thanks! It’ll surprise you, I promise. Zombies are retro and retro’s been selling this month!”
“Yeah, yeah,” Mr. Finch replied. He slid some paper into the envelope. “Check back tomorrow for the second half, if it sells.”
“I will, sir. Thanks again!” Kenneth left and Brian shifted away from the back wall as the line moved forward. Looking around, he could see that he was the youngest person here, maybe by a decade. There was an old lady in a threadbare tweed coat, a few businessmen in suits with scuffed black shoes, the tall man in front of him in the trench coat and hat, scarf wrapped around his face so that only his bulbous nose was showing, and maybe seven people who could have done anything down here at the docks- rough, sturdy people in rough, sturdy clothes, holding delicate glass jars in the crooks of their arms or the palms of their hands. The desk was off to one side of the room and behind it and beside it were stacks upon stacks of crates, some made of new wood with deep black ink, some greying and greening with destination stamps long since faded. Most of the latter were behind the desk. Brian could see a path through the crates that cut back to an office and another, much wider, that lead to the loading bay doors.
He turned his attention back to the line. Mr. Finch had moved on to the next person, who he let go with just a glance at the dream, a sentence of explanation, and some paperwork. As time went on, most of the line went like that, but from a few he required detailed summaries. A tall, thin woman in her late middle age handed over a mason jar with stacks of black, white, and a disturbing mix of grey and a deep red. When asked, she said it had a serious couple of moments involving an empty picture frame and some stools that came and attacked the dreamer who had been sitting on a couch. The dream ended up with the picture frame and the stools sitting down on the couch beside the dreamer, merging and morphing into a familiar person who started a conversation. The lady would pose as she described the dream, making a frame out of her fingers or mime dodging a flying stool as she talked. Mr. Finch rolled his eyes at it but took it anyway because, as he said, “Someone always buys it.”
Most of the line was less imaginative than the Mason Jar Lady. Middle aged salesmen and strong-arms alike turned in dreams about boats and parks and flashbacks to high school, though one businessman, addressed as Mr. Friday, had a bright purple dream that involved the dreamer singing and dancing at a mall like they’d never danced before, with a rainstorm in the middle that turned into a sea of multicolored candies on which the dreamer and their friends danced, each step a crackle and smash. Brian smiled when he heard that one.
Mr. Finch was in a deep conversation with the man in the trench coat about whether he could take a dream that had a unicorn in it without a promise that it gored no one when the sirens started outside. In an instant, the man in the trench coat had vanished into the warehouse, melting somewhere into the rows of boxes, leaving Brian frozen alone in the middle of the room.
Mr. Finch looked up from gather his supplies to see Brian still standing there. “What are you doing, kid?” Mr. Finch said to Brian in a harsh whisper. “Ditch the dream in a box and get out of here!”
“I-” Brian started, but he didn’t know what to say and his feet were glued to the floor. He stared. Mr. Finch snatched his bottle from him.
“Once.” Mr. Finch held up a finger. “Go!” he pointed at the loading bay door.
Brian nodded and turned. He sprinted the length of the warehouse, tripped, and rolled off the edge of the loading dock. He landed on his left shoulder and lay there as silent as he could while the warehouse door slammed open and the police shouts echoed around the metal walls. He heard Mr. Finch reply to the cops in his reedy voice. There were more slams and heavy footfalls, but a few minutes later, the confrontation was over, the pounding of Brian’s heart the only evidence it ever happened.

Wednesday, August 19, 2015

Me

Life lived in the in-betweens is rough. You're frozen until you can move on and granted an extended grieving time for the past. No matter how you occupy your time, your brain and your body know where you are. You're in the middle; the frustrating, never fulfilling, limiting middle. It could even drive a person to get defensive and post an angry reminder of their worth. That snap could happen at any time. Like, say, yesterday.

But we've gotten past that and I've remember that I can be an absolute dweeb sometimes and that not everyone I currently interact with has interacted with me on a full-time basis the past eight years. Everyone gets a pass. But I'm leaving the post up because confidence is not something that's easy to come by, especially in the in-between, and that anger in the previous post exudes the self-knowledge that eventually leads to confidence. 

I currently have the confidence of negative space- I'm only confident when I don't know there's a reason not to be. Take performing, for example. I've popped up on stages since I was 5 with no nervousness, ready to do my thing, because I never really thought about what would happen if I messed up. I didn't have the concept of an entire audience laughing at me- everyone I've ever been in front of has either been unconditionally supportive or apathetic. But I've since learned how often I don't hit the right note and exactly how far my guitar skill stretches, and gaining that knowledge now means that I sweat and shake when I'm playing 2-chord songs in front of a room of children under the age of 8. Lovely. 

I could trace other things back and watch my confidence erode away as awareness floods its way through my brain, but productivity does not lie that way, so instead, I'd like to grace you with more of me. Un-curated, unabashed me. 

Not in chronological order.
This is every picture of me from West Wishes that wasn't a duplicate. There's, what, 150 of them? I have always hated posing for pictures- they look fake, they're cheesy, they're not a real representation of any situation, blah blah blah. I mean, I went to Europe for two months and there's maybe twenty pictures with me in them. But this year, I jumped in front of everything I could. The Sparkly Blue Dress helped, of course, because I had to take those pictures, but I don't think it makes up more than a third of the pictures. We live in the age of the selfie, when everyone has to take a picture of themselves in front of something and bemoan that all you want, but at least we find ourselves worthy of documentation. At least there's that. 

Best Of the Sparkly Blue Dress


The followers of the Sparkly Blue Dress may have been disappointed that more of the pictures weren't readily available during the trip. Fear not! I've gone through the photos from the trip and put all of the pictures up in this album: https://picasaweb.google.com/108657251780585568136/WestWishesSparklyBlueDress#

For those who don't want to click through all that, I've picked the best of the bunch and included them in this post. Enjoy!













(1) At the airport- Charlotte, NC
(2) Near Red Rock State Park, Sedona, AZ
(3)-(9) Navajo Point, Grand Canyon, AZ
(10) Hoover Dam, AZ
(11) Thor's Hammer, Bryce Canyon, UT
(12) Anaheim Convention Center, Anaheim, CA

Tuesday, August 18, 2015

Confidence

The old Children’s Minister at my church back home loves to tell the story of how I, when I was maybe five or six or seven, say down by a tree outside the church and just cried. When she came and asked what’s wrong, I said, “I’m just having a bad day.”

When I was in third or fourth grade, one of the boys on the playground at church told me that girls couldn’t make boys cry, so I punched him. He cried.

From fifth grade on, whenever I finished an EOG early, which was every time I was tested, I would use the extra sheet of paper to design a one-page “magazine”. I think it was typically about aliens, because I had one good alien doodle and I based everything around that.

In 7th grade, I wrote and directed a short film about the symptoms of the Plague. On VHS.

In 9th grade, I took a copy of Plato in my purse when we went to Universal Studios. I got separated from my group about halfway through the day and spent the rest of the time drinking root beer floats and reading.

Senior year of high school, we were in the state Beta Club quiz bowl tournament and we won, thanks in part to a question about 18th century architecture popular under King George I. The other team answered "Neoclassical." I buzzed in with a sarcastic "Georgian" and was tempted to fist bump my team when it was right. 

I took 13 years of ballet lessons. 

I can play flute, french horn, piano, guitar, ukulele, and penny whistle. 


In college, I audited an 8am particle physics class because even though I didn’t need the class, I wanted to learn the material. 

I've travelled to more than 25 states and 10 countries.

I planned an event that was attended by thousands of people. 

I've performed in front of thousands of people. 

I drove a moving truck to and through New York City. I've also driven in DC and LA, so I've earned the City Driving scout badge. 

I changed all the locks on my last place by myself. I've also replaced both my headlights and tail lights on my own, changed oil in a truck, rotated my tires, and changed tires. I've repotted plants, assembled countless pieces of furniture, cleaned all the carpets in my residence, and I can bake a mean squash casserole. 


So someone explain to me why it took heels and a pantsuit for me to be treated like an adult, like the smart, strong, confident, and capable woman that I am? I'd say I'm just curious but I'm really just tired. 

Monday, August 17, 2015

Blooper Reel

I like bus-trip sing-alongs and being around cars. I like potatoes and sunflowers and the idea of afternoon naps. I have a minor obsession with supernatural-genre shows and comic book movies. And I also like making funny faces at a camera. So here, for your Monday blog post, is the bloopers video I made from previous or failed Flight of the Vlogyries videos. 

Re-watch in case you missed the surprise cat!

Yeah, yeah, I know it’s a cop out, but I spent hours yesterday on a bus with a youth choir and then hours editing this video together, and you try watching what amounts to hours of footage of yourself and trying to write anything cheery afterwards, see how you feel the next morning when you’re stuck waiting for an oil change and potentially news that something is horribly wrong on your car because of course something’s horribly wrong on your car*. That’s what adulthood is.

Hey, remember that time I got mixed up on my words and covered by holding my ukulele under my chin? Yeah, that was cute. 

This week's Internet Find of the Week is The Thrilling Adventure Hour, a stage show in the style of old time radio. I'll do a real post about it soon, but for now, you can hear what all the fun is about by listening to the podcast on iTunes, Nerdist.com, or Podbay. Do yourself a favor and start at the beginning. 

*Clink!*

Fan art via sup-bras.tumblr.com
*There was nothing wrong with my car. I was just nervous. I'm occasionally nervous like all you other humans with life and money at stake. 

Wednesday, August 12, 2015

Money Memes

Every once in a while, everyone has a “get stuff done” day, a day where you are ACCOMPLISHING ALL THE THINGS. 
H/T to this Hyperbole and a Half post.
I’ve had several of those over the course of the summer, compacting all my usefulness into maybe a week’s worth of days in order to spend the rest of my days in a state of abject laziness. This past Sunday was one of those days, but most of my accomplishing happened within the confines of my computer. In the most staggering and exciting of news, I booked my flight to Edinburgh! Less than a month, my friends. Less than a month

After the flight booking and some substantial reading of move-in checklists, I sat down with my budget. I’m a big fan of budgeting, though only recently. It came about when I had to pay the rent and utilities each month and had to be sure there was always a two-thousand dollar buffer in my checking account in case one bank cleared checks faster than another. But ceasing to have a steady income and moving to another country before the loans even come in has changed the budgeting strategy a little bit. Namely, it has forced me into panic mode. SAVE EVERY CENT. CANCEL ALL THE THINGS! 

Because this.
Through that panic-induced haze, I realized all the little luxuries I had been sending money to monthly. Maybe you’re doing the same thing? Maybe you’re wondering how your savings account remains so anemic? Maybe you just want to see a list of the ridiculous things I had to figure out how to cancel? Well, if any of those maybes apply to you, read on, ‘cause that’s what the rest of this post is about! 

And memes. Apparently we're talking about memes today. 

HBO NOW, the only service to yell at me every time I glance at my phone.
$14.99 per month
Yeah, yeah, I know, who feels bad about pirating Game of Thrones? But I’ve been wanting to watch The Wire and maybe rewatch The Newsroom when I signed up, there were only like three episodes left in the season and my friend with her fiancé’s parents’ HBO GO account password moved out of town. But for $16.11 after taxes, I’ll pass on this one, thanks.
Hulu Plus, the streaming service I never understood paying for.
$7.99 per month
I got Hulu Plus in college, maybe, and my roommates used it much more often once it was set up on the TV in the common area, but I rarely did. And now that I’m off it, I’m finding that Netflix is missing a couple of things, but honestly, the hole left in my life by the forced departure of Hulu Plus can be filled with all the other shows I want to watch, a US IP address, and patience. It’s all going to end up on Netflix anyway and I’m too busy bingeing the latest season of Doctor Who to care.
Audible, the website that allowed me to legally read books while driving.
$14.95 per month
This one isn’t all that bad, when you get down to it. I’d probably spend at least that much per month on books anyway if there was a bookstore closer to me. But now that I’m going to have to buy textbooks again, I’m going to want all my words in print. Wonderful, highlightable print. 

Amazon Prime, where I go to find shows that I can’t find anywhere else. 
$99 per year
Okay, so I haven’t actually cancelled this one yet, but that’s because the renewal doesn’t come around until next July and there’s a good plenty of benefits. If I can swing it next year too, I might just keep it. 

UNC-TV donation
$15 per month
What can I say? There was a Downton special and I finally had enough money to throw some of it at a local organization and somehow, that organization wasn’t NPR. Damn you, Crawleys, and your addictive class-based drama! 

NCPIRG donation 
$15 per month
I honestly don’t know how I got signed up for this or how they continued to get my money, but I have a vague recollection of some poor soul standing out in the cold and shivering and in need of like five more petition signatures and somehow, it happened. They were very nice about canceling it, though, which makes me feel bad, but currently I need my money more than North Carolina lobbying groups. 

Well, now that I have it in a list, it looks like a lot less, but that right there was nearly $90 a month that just disappeared from my life and I’m definitely going to need that money… well, now, actually. It changes the budget. Also, if you don’t go line-by-line on your credit card statements, it’s hard to remember exactly where all your money is going to. Small charges each month slip by. 



Now, before you go guffawing away, laughing at the silly little girl who had to cancel subscription services she forgot she had, go check your accounts. See if there’s any money that doesn’t say goodbye on its way out the door. At least iTunes sent me a receipt every time HBO took my money. 

NOT ANYMORE, JERKS

Monday, August 10, 2015

Change Your Stars: A Knight's Tale

One good thing about cable (and one of the things that would make me pay for it if cable companies weren't the literal devil) is that you can flip through the channels and find magical things. Why, just yesterday, my mom was flipping through the channels and found A Knight's Tale, which I immediately made her turn to.

A Knight's Tale is probably one of three movies that you remember Heath Ledger being in off the top of your head, when you're feeling sad about how unfair the universe is, the other two being The Dark Knight and Ten Things I Hate About You. A Knight's Tale is the first one of those movies that I saw and in my brain, it's filed away with movies like The Princess Bride and Robin Hood: Men in Tights, where someone really wanted to have some chivalry in addition to their modern-day jokes, but it also earns its place beside The Princess Bride with its heart. There are some really nice moments in this movie.

If you haven't seen it (and it's like $3 on Google Play, so take this opportunity to make your life a little bit better by watching it right now, or just risk the spoilers for a 14 year old movie ahead), A Knight's Tale is about a peasant (Heath Ledger) who becomes a knight. There's a bunch of jousting, there's this whole thing with Geoffrey Chaucer (Paul Bettany, who you might know as Vision from the new Avengers movie), there's a lady blacksmith (Kate, played by Laura Fraser), there's Alan Tudyk, and there's this wonderful moment from the strong sassy actual-lady lady (Jocelyn, played by Shannyn Sossamon):


gif source: http://karenandthababes.tumblr.com/
And a dance scene set to this song:


What I love best, though, are the speeches.



gif source: http://lockelamoras.tumblr.com/
When I worry about getting stuck, I remember that a man can change his stars.

When I worry that I'm abandoning my roots, I remember that all you have to do is follow your feet.

When I take that split second to worry if something I'm doing is too bold, I remember that it is knightly too to tilt when you should withdraw.

When I worry that when I find somebody, I won't want love after all, I remember the way they write a love letter.

That's the thing about stories that I like- they all have some kind of heart in them. I'll forgive all manner of sins if you can make me feel something. (Though, to be clear, I think the modern-day soundtrack really works with the way this story is told and I like the Chaucer conceit as a way of explaining the movie's narrative.) It hits all my buttons. Plus, it's an underdog story and it has two solid female characters when it really could have exclusively been a boy's club. And I can never say no to a little bashing of the societal elites.

So, A Knight's Tale. Come for Heath Ledger's imperfectly curled hair, stay for the hope underwriting the inevitability of changing social structures.

I think if you clicked all the links, you've seen plenty of the internet today, but just in case, here's my internet find of the week- Running Through Rivers by Carrie Hope Fletcher, which is a magic little song about stories and adventures.


Happy Monday!

Friday, August 7, 2015

Under This Willow Tree

(Repost from Blackbirds and Berries.)

Hi. Hi. Hey. Hello.

Hi.

Hey, listen, you wouldn't happen to be my long-dead love, would you? Only I've been looking and I'm afraid my love's face may have changed and that I won't recognize any of the features anymore. They say that you'll know them by their eyes, you know, when you lose your love and find them again, but I don't know if that's true. Before, before the death, my love's eyes were these grey-green blue eyes that changed with the weather and it was like a new person every time a cloud floated by. Always exciting.

My eyes are the bark of a pine tree at Christmas. That's what my love used to say. Hey, would you mind speaking? They say that recently blinded people know their loved ones by their voices even just hours after their sight's been taken, so maybe I'll hear something of my love's voice in yours. It was this booming voice, sometimes, when ghost stories were being told or dragons imitated. You could rest your head on that voice and let the quiet rumble rock your soul. Not always, but when my love spoke to me, because I was loved, the rumble was always there for me.

Could you maybe say my name, just so I can check? I'm-

Yes, that's it. I must have already introduced-? Well, it's nice to meet you again.

No, you know, it's fine. I mean, there was never any guarantee that my love would be here in the first place. They say that when you come back, you're drawn to the places that meant something to you, and we... well, we had our first kiss under this willow tree. It was the edge of summer, and the fireflies and the stars were out and my love leaned forward and kissed me once, just gently.

Of course, we have years of memories after that, and any one of a hundred places we could have picked to return to, but I figured, if I wanted to start again, I'd start here. Plus, we can't really meet at our house- I sold it after the accident. Do you live around here?

So you heard about the fire?

Yeah, I don't think I was very safe for a few weeks there, or months. Honestly, I was probably more flammable than the average human, if you know what I mean.

Ah, that wind. It's a little bit of a chill, but, oh, I can just imagine my love's arms around me. Isn't it funny how that happens? It's, like, an extra warmth around your shoulders and, just, this feeling of contentment. My love had these big, strong arms...

Landscaping, actually, and then working with a moving company on the weekends. The mowers had these hand grips and they really work your forearms, and then, of course, moving boxes and all those things... I mean, no offense. You look like you work out. But my love used to lift me up in the air, no problem, and as you can see, I'm pretty substantial.

Oh, thank you! That's kind of you to say. Since I've been alone, I've had extra time to focus on me, so I am a little more in shape than I've been in the past.

Sorry, I didn't mean to stare. It's just.... it's funny, the things you notice. Your nose, it has a bump just like my love's. It's the wrong color, of course, but it's uncanny how similar the shape is. I used to tease all the time, saying that there must have been an early drop by a distracted mama, because I would have sworn that was a break bump.

Was yours-? Not to get too personal.

Ah, yeah, it was actually a family nose too- you could trace the family tree back and back and back and in all of their wedding pictures, they had that same nose. There was some relative that was really into genealogy, so we had a wall of photos leading up to our picture.

June fifth, yeah. Oh, it was a gorgeous day. I mean, most summer weddings, they're either hot or rainy, but we got married at sunset and everything cooled as the sky switched colors. It was lovely, just perfect. Like today. I'm glad you got to have this lovely night out here and I hope I haven't intruded too much.

Hah, no, you're right. I should probably go too. It was lovely talking to you. No, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to run you off...

A ride would be great, actually. It's not too far from here- at the bottom of that hill a few streets over. Oh, you're a hero. Thanks so very much!

So, tell me about you. I know, you don't know me at all, but I did just bare my soul, so there's not much else to say from my end.

What a nice car! My love cared about cars as well. Oh, but, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt. Her favorite color is purple, so you were thinking irises?

Oh, the gate freaks everyone out. It's so imposing. But it was here when I bought the place and I haven't had much time...

Yes, just over that ridge. Exactly.

Hey, listen, would you mind walking me to my door? I think the moon set early tonight. It's usually so easy to see. You have a light, right? Just past these stones here. Yup, this is me. Thanks so much- it's good to feel safe as you go, you know? Do you think you could find your way out again? Just a left at the end of the row, then about a quarter of a mile- exactly.

What was that?

Yes- that... that was my love's name. First, last, and middle.

Yes, we did have the same birthday- a year apart, to the hour, isn't that funny? But how did you-?

Oh, I see. I see. Wow.

Well, thanks for the ride anyway.

No, now that I think about it, the ground isn't cold at all.

Wednesday, August 5, 2015

The Five Hundred and Fifteen Dollar Mistake

I felt extraordinarily triumphant after I submitted my online UK visa application in early July. You would too. The questions on it go beyond your basic address-phone number-social security number kind of questions. I watched a 14-minute video on how to fill it out, I googled answers to questions, I read THE ENTIRE NINETY-THREE PAGES of the Tier 4 student application guidance, and I scheduled my biometrics appointment for them to take my fingerprints and picture for as soon as I could so that I could send in the paper copy of my visa as soon as possible because, you know, responsibility. Triumphant responsibility.

And then I lived my life for a few days, said my goodbyes, finished packing up the rest of my things, which took up a surprisingly large amount of space in my car, and drove across the state, effectively changing my address, though I still paid enough rent there to continue to receive mail there. I moved back into my parents' house for the end of the summer, which, as some of you may know, takes a lot of calling in family favors and creative box stacking. By the time the 4th of July came around, I felt about as settled as I could.

That's when I got around to noticing that my Immigration Health Surcharge had not been paid. This induced a small panic. I also noticed that the system was switching over so that there wasn't a way for me to pay the fee, which induced a slightly larger panic. I had never received an email or a link or a notification asking me to pay it after I submitted my online application. I read back through everything, knowing that if I sent in my visa application without the health fee paid, it would be rejected. I also remembered, from my thorough reading of all those legal notices I had to check before I could submit the application, that if my biometrics (fingerprints and picture) were submitted, I couldn't cancel my application and get a refund of the substantial fee for the visa. With all of that in mind, it seemed like I should just cancel my application before I go to my biometrics appointment, get the refund, and try again.

Except that made me nervous, on top of the already present borderline hyperventilation caused by this situation. I feel like that nervousness is a really sensible trait, the nervousness in the face of canceling a long and complex application without consulting another human being with knowledge of the process. So I emailed the help email on the website (it was the weekend, there was a pay-per-minute charge for the phone service, etc.) and waited for a response, thinking that I had to be a special case and there has to be some way of taking care of this fee without having to go through the visa process again.

Well, my Monday morning biometrics appointment rolls around and I hadn't receive an email from the help desk yet, so I drive down to Charlotte, thinking that getting this knocked out of the way is the responsible thing to do while I'm waiting on my question to be answered, have really the nicest interaction I have ever had in a bureaucratic setting, and drive back home, fingerprints and photo safely on the way to whatever British official needs them. The next day, I get an email with a link to paying the health charge, which I try to do and fail because Immigration Health Surcharges are no longer self-pay; you pay when you submit your online visa application.

So then I call.

I pick up my phone and I call the $3 per minute service to get a question answered. The phone call starts off with my reading off my credit card information so that they can charge me and proceeds to the most stressful three-minute interaction about spelling my name for an email address that I've ever had. I describe the situation and the lady says that there's nothing she can do to help, especially now that my biometrics are in, and that if I want, she can escalate the situation.

And she just says it like that. "Escalate the situation." Like I'm not already at my wits' end with this whole scenario. Like I wasn't already going to ask to speak to your manager, who can hopefully understand my accent better than you. Like I know what "escalating" entails. When I ask her what that means, she explains in a huff that she'll send me an email, asking for more information about my application that she'll send to her superiors who will review my case. Well, clearly. That's exactly the definition I should have expected from your use of that word. Sorry I bothered to ask. I tell her that it's fine. Let's just go ahead and escalate.

I thought she said that I should get the email in ten hours, but after a day later, I assume that she never got down my email address right to begin with. So I suck it up, cancel my first application (which I haven't mailed off yet), and copy the information from my printed application to my new online application, schedule another appointment, and pay the application fee again, which has gone up from $502 to $515. Oh, and I pay my Immigration Health Surcharge, a cool $360. I mean, that's less than I'd probably have to pay for a month of health insurance in the US and it covers a year of universal health care there, so I can't be all that upset about that fee, but I can be upset about having to pay that ridiculous visa application fee twice, can't I?

Well, technically, no. They put up a big bold notice in a big red box probably a month before the system switched over warning you that you'd have to pay your IHS before July 4 to avoid my situation. (They definitely planned the date to screw over Americans though. Some people just never got over losing their colonies, I tell you.) I ignored that notice. I didn't go searching for how to pay the fee. In all those pages I read, it just said to pay it online, without any real guidance on how, but I could have googled that easily. In fact, I have several times since. It's all very clear and streamlined now. And, as previously established, I knew that going to my biometrics appointment meant that I couldn't get my first application fee refunded.

That's the line I walk with this. I think the process is stacked against those who aren't thorough and tenacious enough to read all the details and go searching for answers. But I wasn't tenacious. I didn't do it right. I made a mistake. A $515 mistake. That's where I get stopped when I think about appealing it. All in all, it is my fault and they told me in no uncertain terms that it would be.

It feels like there should be some kind of grace in this process, but I understand why there's not. There's not time to go through every person applying for a visa and deal with their every problem and if you help one person, you open up the door to by being accessible. Plus, they get to collect a fee twice for the dumbest of reasons and any kind of revenue has to be helpful when you have to pay for all those sick people. I'm sure that over the course of the year, I won't even miss that $40 per month. Nope. Not at all.

Wow. It is difficult to stay away from snark on this one.

Listen, my visa is approved and it's here in my hands and soon this will all be an unpleasant memory and this sinking feeling that this is what it's like all the time when you're poor is going to do just that- sink on away, out of sight. Systems like this, they exist all across governments. Maybe the fees aren't always as high as the visa feet, but it is always a slough to get through all that paperwork and those legal notices. I'll just pray that I don't have to deal with much else like this again. And you know I'll be more careful the next time!

Yeah.

Just let that feeling sink away.

But if you ever find yourself in need of visa help, shoot me an email! I've got more experience than I want.