Remember

Remember.

Remember that we all have different eyes, different minds, different hearts, at least at first, and so the things that seem obvious to you, the things that you see first, the things that jump from the world outside of you or the page in front of you, the things that walk in through the open windows and doors of your eyes and mind and settle in your heart, those things may not be the same for anyone else you meet. You are unique. Your way of interacting with the world is unique. And while it is unlikely that you will see or think something that is completely different from what every other human has thought, it is equally certain that your perspective will bring something new to those around you. Do not be afraid to share what you see.

Remember.

Remember that you are living your journey while others are living theirs. Even when you travel alongside each other, every other person on the road is as concerned with their own journey as you are with yours. The secret loves and fears that you carry, the tiny obsessions that you let dig at you, little foxes running in the vineyard, others have their own, tails flicking past branches that they too wish would grow. It is not easy to be a human, no matter where you are, and our own difficulty blinds us to the difficulty of others. We hold in common not only our problems but also the shame with which we hide them until we can bear our self-imposed loneliness no longer. But because you know that your heart is full-to-bursting, look for the fullness in the hearts of others. Look to their loneliness just as you wish someone would look to yours.

Remember.

Remember that you can split your heart, that it will be in multiple places at once if you've been loving properly and that you have, indeed, loved properly, no matter how much you're afraid that you haven't. That is the way to combat the loneliness, by the way, to repeat the ever-growing litany of people that you've loved or who have loved you or both, and to remember that love comes in a wide variety of forms. It is beautiful, in a way, that English only has one word for this kind of affection, that we elide fraternal and passionate and self-giving love into one word, requiring you to uncomfortably grapple with the depth of your admiration for any given individual while affirming the self-sacrificial nature of the very act of caring about anyone at all. The people that you pray for, the people you have affection for, the people you invest in, all those people hold an ever-increasing bit of your heart and this is not a bad thing. I know you feel the emptiness beside you at night deep down in your gut, but remember, remember, love, that it is not a true reflection of the love you have waiting for you out in the wide world.

Remember the myriad of places you have been. Celebrate the absurd amount of travel you have done, the sheer number of beds (and couches and futons and planes and trains and patches of ground) that you have slept on over the course of your life. You've been incredibly welcomed and accepted everywhere you've gone and that has been a wonderful privilege. You have filled the years of your life with such activity merely by saying yes to the embarrassment of opportunities that walked you way. You've suited yourself to the travel, to be sure, and worn out the bottoms of suitcases and shoes, but it would not do to forget this concrete representation of the blessing laid upon your life. There is something to be said for letting your feet acquaint themselves with a diversity of soil.

Remember the arms that have held you. I know you like to dwell on those moments that felt like they could have lasted past the crumbling of the Earth, because we all like to dwell on those moments when we become the sole focus of another's caring embrace, but those were not the only arms to ever hold you. You've now spent enough time with a tiny one to know that you must have tired out your parents' and grandparents' and aunts' arms when you were small yourself. You've passed the peace enough times to lose count of the number of strangers whose arms encircled you. You've been a part of enough groups to know that a hug is an act that anchors you, makes you be here, makes you share space you'd rather have kept for yourself. Man, I bet Jesus gave great hugs, arms stretched wide enough to bring in every human in time and space but wrapped around each individual with the kind of intense, knowing love that only an infinite God could lavish on the beloved. Remember the arms that have held you and know that even the most wonderful moments only dimly speak of a greater love yet to be, and somehow now.

Remember you are loved.

Remember you are claimed.

Remember you belong.

Remember you're forgiven.

Remember you are freed.

Remember you are loved.

A Snow Day (Internal) Conversation

Nobody's going to notice if you don't post on time. Also, you have a lot of other work to be doing. Go do that work.

Yeah, but it's a commitment I've made to myself and with so many other promises I've made falling to the wayside, shouldn't I at least make a small effort to be the person that I want myself to be?

No one said not writing a post had anything to do with your moral character.

Yeah, but nobody didn't say it, either.

You know what does say something about your moral character? The fact that this paper that you're meant to be working on was due at noon and seven hours later, it still hasn't been turned in.

I didn't know it was due at noon! I found that out at 11:45am!

Because you didn't read the syllabus.

Because I had this professor last semester and I thought I knew what was going on and also-

Also because you were talking on facebook chat as the professor was reviewing the syllabus rather than listening?

Again, I thought I knew what was going on.

It's an easy mistake to make and it's not the end of the world.

...Notice the lack of forgiveness for being on facebook in class?

I did, actually. Let's just throw it along with all the other things that I've explained away rather than repented of. It's a big pile. What's one more item?

An item like the paper you have due tomorrow morning that you have yet to start?

That's, like, two pages. I have time. And thoughts about how it's going to go. And besides, I need a brain break. I've been up to my eyeballs in books about Charles Wesley for hours now.

You've spent more of those hours doing anything but actually researching and writing.

Time spent investing in relationships is not wasted!

Time spent investing in relationships is not wasted.

Well, ill-timed then.

God and humans do not show up according to our invented schedules.

Which implies that more time should be spent in preparation. We've known about all of these assignments since January. There's no excuse--

Yes, but there is room for self-compassion. This is not an easy time.

That's not an excuse.

Only to be kind to yourself.

It's not a kindness I feel like I've earned.

No one has. That doesn't mean it isn't necessary, especially for you.

Okay. That sounds fake, but okay.

When will you learn?

Oh.

Probably after the next paper.

And the next?

And the next.

A Dragon's Tale

Once upon a time, there was a dragon, and I’ll remind you from the beginning of this story that dragon is not necessarily a derogatory term. There are good dragons and there are bad dragons across folk tales and other literature, just like every other kind of being, except for maybe orcs, who I think are maybe all bad (by definition, right?). Point being, once upon a time there was a dragon and identifying her as a dragon does not make any pre-existing claim about the morality of her overarching character.

Now, this dragon knew she wanted to be different than she was. She was quite happy with some parts of herself: her chestnut and silver and gold scales (shut up, you imagine your dragons how you want and I’ll imagine mine and mine has chestnut scales, okay? They glow kinda red in the sunset and they’re lovely), the strength of her wings, the agility of her mind. She worried over her claws, though, and the way she’d swing her tail without thinking, and how dangerous the combination of the strength of her jaw and the sharpness of her teeth could be when she went on the attack. As a rule, she didn’t want to hurt anyone. She wanted to be one of those kind and wise old dragons that were sought out for their knowledge and advice and sometimes protection.

So she went on a journey to learn how to be kind and wise. She flew away from her places of comfort and sought out the places where the wise lived with their castles and libraries and extinct volcanoes. She spent many borrowed gold coins (not all dragons have hoards) and gained knowledge, a new way of knowing, and the conviction that the best progress might simply be asking better questions. But for all she learned, it didn’t seem that wisdom followed directly from knowledge and anyway, she knew she needed to learn how to be kind. She winced at the claw marks she left.

She flew away again and after a few days settled in another new land. There she folded her wings and made a home because she knew that kindness did not come easily to her and that her search for wisdom had only sharpened her claws and made her more careless with her tail. But no matter how much she worked at kindness, no matter how many words she heard from those of great kindness, she still found her knowledge coming out of her mouth like her flame: such potential to be useful and life-giving but mostly harmful undirected burning, like an out-of-control forest fire, until maybe one day she hypothetically finds herself pacing in beer aisle of the grocery store, rehashing her thoughts about baptism loudly on the phone to a dragon friend, convinced of her rightness as she stalks up and down past the bottles until she sweeps through the checkout and actually starts listening to what’s being said. That’s just an example of what might could have happened. And after that, she might find herself discouraged in spite of all the kindness that had been shown to her and walking into the woods, looking for a cave to settle into until her heart cools.

But the dragon had missed something fundamental all along: kindness and wisdom are not easy for any dragon. All dragons are born with claws and tails and teeth and it takes practice to be aware of the space you occupy and to control the way the fire escapes from your mouth. Every dragon stumbles along the way because dragon feet are not used to walking it and the wind makes flying impossible, at least at first. There’s not much use in screeching at yourself because you’ve fallen. You’re a dragon. You’re simply going to fall from time to time. Stock up on aloe, burn ointment, and bandages for others, but don’t forget that those talons on the end of your feet can cut you too, so be kind and understanding with yourself as you pick yourself back up.

I would love to tell you that the dragon preserved on the path in spite of it all, that she learned the self-control that leads to wisdom and kindness and was able to master the mindset that enables her to use her powers for good, not evil, but unfortunately, the dragon is still figuring things out. She asks, though, that you be patient with her, as best as you can, and pray for her as she learns how to walk through and fly and finally soar on the winds that enliven and push her through every step of her journey. Hopefully that patience and prayer will be enough.

Rapid Thoughts on Humility

This week's video from the Vlogyries is me spewing some words at the camera about humility, some of which may be helpful, especially in this intentional season of growing.