The Resolve

I, uh, have a big summer planned. Had a bigger one planned, but in many ways, I'm glad that it didn't pan out- I'd be ten kinds of exhausted right now instead of just one and a half. Plus, I'll have more opportunities to digest this summer than I would have that one. Then I have a big year planned (I assume that's what most of you are here for) and I will be telling you all about the castles I'll be haunting and the degree I'll be earning in Edinburgh when that time comes, but for now, I come to you with a different purpose.

I went to a 4th of July party last week. It was a house party. There was a waiver. I knew one person there. And it was surprisingly... awesome. I'm working on the whole story because there's a lot to process there, but I think I can pinpoint the 4th of July party as the genesis of this particular blog with this particular focus.

I knew that I wanted to start a new blog because my old blog contains a lot of heart and a lot of thought and a lot of someone who's not me anymore. I did a lot of growing the past eight years, but I don't need to carry that around as luggage. It's backstory. It can stay archived at my parents' house until the inevitable day that life makes me deal with it again and maybe I'll find that it'll sell really well on eBay like I daydream that my porcelain dolls will. I need something shiny. I need something new.

But I didn't want it to be a, "Hey, look at me, I'm in another country having a blast!" kind of deal. I did that already. I want to be more intentional with my future, more focused. I just didn't know what to focus on.

The 4th of July was something that by all rights shouldn't have been as good as it was. It was a heavily social situation when I honestly wasn't jazzed about being sociable, it was not what I expected (I was thinking bands and fireworks; there was a slip 'n slide and a man with a purple hat and an American flag cape and also beer), and again, I cannot emphasize how few people I knew walking into this situation. I am not the kind of person who goes to events like this. I'm not allowed to do a thing like that.

But I did go. I was allowed. I listened and watched and participated in beautiful back-and-forth exchanges, entire groups tossing jokes and stories around while other groups splashed in myriad inflatable pools or caught each other slipping in the mud or participated in increasingly insane activities. Only one stopping me from being there was me.

Well, me and years of a certain type of socialization and ingrained behavioral standards, but still, mostly me. It hit me when I was in the shower that I stop myself all the time. We all do. But I don't think I want to limit myself for any reason. I know there's going to be enough of that going around anyway if I become a woman in academia or a woman in ministry or... really, just as a woman in general. I wanted to focus on what could be done, not my idea of what can be done. Ceci n'est pas une pipe, right? And I want to get to that pipe.

So this is me not getting in my own way. This is me allowing myself to do or not do as needed as I hammer out my place in this big old world. I hear that's kinda a lifetime thing, so maybe this blog will go the distance like the last one did. I'm going to do, I'm going to observe, and I'm going to think about the places where we stop ourselves when maybe we don't need to. I'm going to see how I can be better and I'm going to watch how that definition changes. I'm giving myself that permission.

You can have it too.

I don't want to be an allowance hog here.