The Questions

Can I be allowed to be angry? 

Can I be upset when people don’t listen to me, don’t take me seriously, don’t trust my judgement? Because I’m tired of it. I’ve got a plan, I am informed, I am competent, I’m smart. I don’t see a reason for your doubt. And I know I’m not as tired of it as other people, I know it’s rough for a lot of us, but I’ve been especially sensitive to it lately.

Am I allowed to be sensitive? 

I spent a long, long time thinking that emotions were for pansies and women on TV were simply irrational. It took me longer than most to realize that emotions have a pull that is genuine, something that’s hard to fight, something that doesn’t always need to be fought. And I know that transitions are hard and that leaving is hard and that this purgatory limbo I’m in right now isn’t the ideal state for emotional stability. But it's still hard, you know, to tell yourself that it's okay to say when someone else's words or lack of words or tone of words hurt you. It's hard when you hear your voice shaking as you express hurt. It's easy when you say you're just being sensitive. 

Can I be less than polite? 'Cause I'm telling ya, I just want to throw some people against a wall sometimes and it's only politeness that stops me. And I just want to give someone a piece of my mind, a well-phrased and socially-conscious piece of my mind that is maybe shouted towards them because they just don't see the reality all around them, but I know that there's no way to maintain politeness outside of that. I want to flip off drivers who cut me off and endanger cars around me on the highway. I want to wipe the salt on my hands from my fries on my pants without worry. And I want to use the f-word. Because it makes me feel better. And because it makes me feel like a badass. Who also has an adorable pout. 

Is laziness allowed?

I ran a marathon recently. Not an actual marathon. That would be silly, given my current state of training and complete lack of desire to jog for more than twenty minutes or so. But I ran a life-marathon recently, where I stuffed 24 more schools than usual into my program's calendar and closed out a position and moved out of a place I lived for three years and went on a 10-day trip with 50 teenagers and then moved more stuff and applied for a visa and then said goodbye. So is it okay that I just want to finish Gilmore Girls? I've got, like, 20 episodes left. And is it okay that I start Daredevil right after that? Because the Netflix is paid for and I'm going to spend less money here than I would if I went out and did something in the world and I've done so many things. Can I just nap? A calm before the storm? A vacation? For once? 

Can I be allowed to be comfortable?

There are so many things that we shouldn't be comfortable about. We shouldn't be comfortable with systems built on racism and sexism and homophobia and every other kind of discriminatory impulse we humans have and have had in the past. We shouldn't be comfortable with income gaps and apathy and unfair business practices. We shouldn't be happy with our eyes closed; they have to be open to the injustices around us. And our feet can't be still and our hands can't be folded when we do see things that need to be fixed. But... Actually, I can't find a counter that rings true here. I don't know if I can allow myself to be comfortable without questioning that comfort. 

Listen, I just wanna know where I stand, what I need to work on. Angry, but not hateful. Sensitive without lashing out. Polite as needed for kindness, not for its own sake. Momentary laziness for health. Comfort when there's no one left who needs it more. 

Am I allowed to figure out if I'm right?