Just Your Typical Wednesday

Let’s try some reverse solipsism here. You ever feel like everyone else is more complex than you, like they’re in on some secret, some way of looking at the world that you don’t have access to yet? Like you’re the one in the process of growing and everyone else is already there? Okay, so not technically reverse solipsism, but I can’t pretend that everyone else is real and I’m not. I’m here. Like, I’m right here.

Oh no. 

What if I’m not? How would I know? What am I, even? What does it mean to be me?

Okay, not helpful. Let’s proceed forward under the assumption that I’m real and that I’m here and so are the rest of you, because that’s much more useful. Great. Phew. I feel better already. 

It’s just- and I know this is just a pile of insecurities on my part, but- I feel like I had myself figured out, you know? I felt like I knew my place and my abilities and my strengths and my weaknesses, but it’s like moving to a new city flipped all that around. It’s not particularly helpful that I’m starting a completely new endeavor that requires me to, at least for right now, spend a lot of time laying the mental groundwork for a lot of future study. It’s like somebody tossed me a pile of tangled yarn, told me that I’ll need to make a sweater out of it soon, and said, “Oh, by the way, some of those are sharp,” on the way out the door. Like, what? Why? How? What purpose could any of this be for? Why would anyone sign up for this? 

And that’s an answer for Friday and I promise, I have it together and I’m fine and I’m excited about everything and I’m making friends. No one panic. I went out to the pub with my flatmates for my birthday and I’ve made friends with a girl my program who brought me cake, which was just the best, and I’m getting along just fine. It’s only that I miss the comfort of being good at my job. I miss the ability to get pizza and beer and watch half of a season of a show in one sitting with friends. I miss my friends. I miss the results of all the work I already did finding my place in the world. I forgot how much work I put in to get to that place. 

But hey, you know, everyone’s awkward when you first meet them and everyone says dumb things and makes weird first impressions and all of that. And I’m getting better at coming to the metaphorical table and meeting people and hanging out and stuff. I made new facebook friends. It’s just a slow process for me, you know? I don’t like opening up. I hate silences, so I spew like ten thousand words a minute and at least six thousand of those fall flat and I’m internally dying, but like, none of that is me. At least, it’s not the me that I know. But we’ll figure it out. Life will move past all this eventually. 

Just a blanket apology to everyone waiting on the growth spurt. I’m working on it, I promise. It’s all just a process. And anytime anyone else wants to chat about how they’re still figuring it all out as well, I’m a hundred percent here for you. It’d be a nice confirmation of my existence.