Winning

You will not always win. 

You are a wonderful, wondrous person, fully worthy of love and affection and kindness, and you will not always win. 

It's important that you know that both of these things are true. You are beloved simply because you are, loved with the deep love that spills from the foundations of everything, but the rain falls on the just and unjust alike. No matter how good or bad you think you are, no matter what you think you've earned or deserve, this world will be what it is. It is full of joy and wonder and delight and hatred and pettiness and deep sadness and you do not get to choose which visits you and when. You are beautiful and you shine with the light of the cosmos and you will not always win. 

Some days, some years, it will be the world that wins. Maybe the money won't be there. Maybe the support won't show up. Maybe everything that can go wrong does go wrong, all at the same time, and there is no way on earth to fix it. It is a fact that all those big sweeping events and systems and powers that we pretend to understand and control can and will take and take and take from you. Sometimes the world will knock you flat and leave you empty. 

Some days, some seasons, it'll be the worst parts of you that win. Those sneaky little voices that sleep curled up in the back corners of your mind will wake up when the alarm clocks of stress and self-doubt ring and they will not be silenced even after the alarms are off. They will tell you horrible lies and exaggerations and you'll listen to them, because you know they've always been a part of you and maybe that means they're right. Their noises will pull you down, drag you to your bed, lash you to the couch, and you will not be able to get your fingers to the knots to let yourself free. 

Some days, many days, it'll be other people that win, and win at your expense. Those unmanageable systems are set up and maintained by people whose interest does not extend to your wellbeing. Sure, other humans are capable of everyday unkindness, dozens of little insults and injuries that peck at your soul like a flock of so many hateful little black birds, but we all know our problems are bigger than that. Sometimes the people in charge, and the people influencing the people in charge, will display their apathy for your existence in astounding ways and you will be left breathless and insecure. 

But none of this changes anything about you. You are unique. You are glorious. You are a miracle, just by the very fact that you exist. When you lose, when you're hurt, when your strength fails and your hope falters and the world takes advantage of that, you still remain this awesome thing, this amazing combination of brains and body and spirit and being. No matter what the world visits on you, you are still marvelous. 

And so is everyone else. 

In this new year, let's act like that's true.