I got on the red line train last Tuesday and the car was so crowded, I couldn't even reach into my pocket to get my headphones so I could block out all the humans and make the ride tolerable. With one hand trying to find a railing and the other clutching the book I was meant to be reading, I decided that instead of fumbling around for something to do, I would pray for everyone on the train. Now, I know I'm in seminary and so this should seem like it's in character, but I want to say right here and now that the only time I pray for large groups of people is when I'm asking for them to get out of my way. I am not present in a crowd. I enjoy the escape more than anything else.
But pray I did. I prayed for our journey to our homes and for what waited for each person when they arrived: their families, their meals, their loves, fears, frustrations, work, relaxation. I prayed for the people who jostled and bumped me on their stumble toward the door. There were a couple of people in eyesight that seemed particularly weighed down and so I prayed for a blessing in their lives, that whatever held them low would be removed or mitigated. I prayed grace on everyone.
I felt lighter when I got off the train. I didn't put my headphones in, didn't open my book. I just kept the headspace I was in and thought about what I would do when I got back to my empty flat. Something needled at the back of my mind, but I assumed it was just something I had forgotten about work or school or something. There's always something. But the bus ride and the subsequent walk home were pleasant, I think. We've been having a lot of the kind of crisp fall days and nights that require a jacket and a scarf, but gloves are optional. The air's easy to breathe. It was nice.
When I got home and put my bag down, I realized that one of those humans that I had prayed for had stolen my laptop.
Well, I suspected. I put off the panic because maybe I had just left it at the office and anyway, there wasn't anything I could about it right now. The next morning was the day before Thanksgiving so the usual people who opened up the office weren't there and I ended up putting off the search for my laptop for another hour or so. And even when I did get to my desk and saw that my laptop wasn't there, I didn't feel anything except a sinking feeling in my stomach. Okay. My laptop's really gone. So we're dealing with this.
Over the next few days as I assessed the damage and looked up replacement options, I would say, "My laptop got stolen." My laptop got stolen. I was clear it wasn't missing, that a theft had occurred, but I couldn't figure out why the sentence sounded so odd. My laptop was stolen, maybe? Correct that grammatical "mistake"? And anyway, isn't the end result the same, no matter what words I use? I don't have my laptop. It is no longer in my possession. It was taken from me. Who cares how I express that thought? The facts on the ground are the same: I don't have it.
Except it does matter. Someone stole my laptop. I don't know who did it, but it's not some passive event that occurred. A person made the decision to reach into my bag and take out my life and it's debatable just how over-dramatic that statement is: my work from this semester, any projects that I've been working on for the past few years, and all my notes and research from last year are gone, not to mention some of the music and pictures that mean something to me. My half-marathon sticker was on the case, as was my save the whales sticker from Iceland. And all those things that made it matter, the data and the memories, those are the first things the thief is going to wipe from the computer so that he or she can resell it. Keep the computer, then. Give me back what I care about.
To fail to hold people accountable for their actions is to participate in the problem. I won't find the person who stole my laptop, probably, and this is not a loss that I need to go Batman over; by the grace of God (and that is not an insignificant thing), this is a hit I can take on the chin and carry on. I've been surrounded by coworkers, family, friends, who have comforted me, cheered me, and helped me figure out what to do next, how to report, how to look, and how to replace. But just because I can absorb the hit does not mean that the problem needs to be ignored. This was not some indifferent force of nature or some act of chance; a person acted here, a person who is part of a system, with a level of malicious intent in their heart that could range from indifference to hatefulness, and people and systems are things that we can question, we can push, we can try to change, we can hold accountable. If not in this particular situation, definitely in others.
So everyone, back up your data. Carry your belongings in a bag that can be secured, especially when you go into crowded spaces. If you see something, say something. Learn from my life. That's what lives are for, after all. But see the bigger threads, too. Think about how you speak about events. Think about what you tell yourself about events. Have that second-check on the reality that you perceive. Think about inevitability and think about action. Think about what you can do. Be aware.
For days, I told myself that my laptop got stolen, that this was my fault and my stupidity and that I deserved to pay for it. But to tell myself that story is to continue in my personal history of unkindness towards myself and indifference towards injustice. Of course there are things that I could have done differently, but that doesn't mean I was asking for it. Someone stole my laptop. The better sentences to speak, once the comfort and grace have done their healing work, are questions, and questions in search of answers. Why did someone take my laptop? Did they feel entitled to it? Certainly not. Were they thinking just about themselves? Maybe not. What situations in their life led to this moment? Is there a way to balance accountability for the wrong committed with grace and understanding for the wrongs committed against them? What can we do here?
I'm known for drawing a whole heap of thoughts out of an event and I think I probably stopped thinking about laptops long ago. I don't want to have a conversation about hardware-- I want to talk about systematic inequality and our inability as a nation to hold people accountable for their words and their actions. I want to talk about honesty and where it's lacking. I want to talk about blame and how I'm finding it to be an unhelpful concept, or maybe a concept with an unhelpful gloss. I have questions and thoughts enough for a lifetime and maybe I fill my days too much with them. So let's end with something that just slipped on by as the story unfolded: my thankfulness for those around me and for those memories that were saved. Now I feel less bad about all those Scotland photos I practically spammed my facebook with.
Find joy where you've got it, friends, and take seriously your thoughts and your questions when they come.
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