Cross-post: The Wafer

Editor's Note: In honor of the holidays, I stopped paying attention to my schedule. I'll have a post again for you tomorrow and we'll be back to normal on Friday, but for today, enjoy a post on a parody blog I contribute to! The original post (along with our archive, which is quality) can be found here. 

ABANDONED CHRISTMAS TREES WONDER WHAT THEY DID TO DESERVE THIS

YOUR TOWN, USA- Across the nation this weekend, conscientious homeowners have begun un-decking their halls and un-trimming their trees. There's one problem though- Christmas has only just begun.

“It's a very common misconception,” said Mary Criss-Mast, an expert on the holiday season. “The twelve days of Christmas are actually the twelve days after Christmas, not before. The liturgical season begins with the birth of Christ. It's confusing, I know, but those trees should technically stay up until Epiphany. It's only humane. They deserve their full lifespan.”

Meanwhile, the trees left on the curb are crying out, for those with ears to hear.

“I... I thought you loved me,” stated a dazed five-foot blue spruce out on 2nd Avenue. “I held your ornaments. I thought it meant forever.”

“I was devastated when they chopped me down, but then I was welcomed into this new home. The old trees, they told me about this. They promised me months of life. Months. Until the Kings came. Now look at me,” moaned an eight-foot Douglas fir leaning up against the dumpster on Church Street.

“Mmmrrr mmm mmrwwmmm,” commented the six-foot white pine laying face-down on the corner of 12th and Washington.

“It's inhumane,” said local tree advocate, Phil Jones. “We told them they were Christmas trees, not Advent trees. We're breaking their hearts. We've lied to them.”

Jones was then seen to toss the white pine into the back of his pickup truck to take it to a nice farm upstate.